Dec 14 2016 Help! I need thrusting techniques.Category: Sex     07:59AM   0

Dear KC, I've recently discovered I'm a jackhammer lover. Until now, I didn't know that was a thing. A woman recently broke up with me, then told a mutual friend she couldn't stand my "jack-hammering." It was a little humiliating, and I hope to never go through that again. But the bottom line is, I want to be good in bed and satisfy future partners. I'll take any tips, but especially thrusting techniques.

First, I'm sorry you had that experience. Secondhand criticism isn't constructive, and you have a right to expect direct communication from a partner. The upshot is you're out from under a relationship with someone who shows a lack of respect, maturity, and healthy boundaries. 

Second, kudos for being proactive. Your future partners will surely appreciate a varied skill set. That said, always remember that sex is about pleasure not performance.

Each partner is accountable for their own experience, including the experience of orgasm

Of course, having a certain level of skill lends a man confidence. Confidence helps him stay present and focused on sensation. When he's caught up in anxiety or fear of failure and inadequacy, he's in his head versus his body, and heading down the very path I teach clients to avoid.

Below are a few "go-to" moves to stock your sexual toolbox, plus a handful of variations to play with. The goal is to get them down well enough to be instinctive (so you're not consciously focusing on form, the whole time), then you can get out of your head and back into your body, focusing on present moment physical sensation. Because even if that sounds terribly selfish and self-centered, passion translates. Allowing yourself to be guided by pleasure will convey authentic passion and pleasure to your partner

My top 3 thrusting tips:

  1. Use your hips! (For some men, this is not as simple as it sounds.)
  2. Mix it up! Meaning, vary the angle, speed, depth, and rhythm of thrusting. 
  3. Request feedback, then adjust as needed.

By this I mean engage the "hinge" in your pelvis. To help locate it and loosen it up, take some yoga classes. (You'll thank me later and so will your partner.) Some men have never isolated their pelvic hinge, which severely limits them in bed. They use their entire body to project their penis forward and pull back again, usurping all their energy, whilst providing much less stimulation than true pelvic thrusting would. 

I teach pelvic thrusting in person, to many clients. I also highly recommend this video for a better idea of what I mean (started at 5:40).

Most women enjoy variations in depth, speed, rhythm, and angle. That said, most women also have their preferences (see "Get Feedback"). You'll first want to know what feels best to you, then gauge what's working (or not) for your partner. A bit of teasing can be hot, so if she likes it fast and hard, slow down now and then. When you speed up again it will feel twice as pleasurable.  

  • Depth: Most of a woman's sensation is in her labia and vaginal entry (the shallowest 1/3 of her canal). Being partially penetrated can be a huge turn-on and great way to start things off. There's also a lot to be said for launching things with a deeply penetrative hip slam (or three). Keep in mind, some women dislike pressure on their cervix, while others love it.
  • Speed: Should be self explanatory, but if not: slow, medium, and fast are all you need to know.
  • Rhythm: Try brief periods using a steady beat and uniform depth, interspersed with a variety of irregular patterns (which can be as simple as 5-shallow, 1-deep, 3-shallow, 2-deep, 7-shallow, 3-deep...etc.). Just play around with it till you find a pattern that feels good, natural, stimulating, and pleasurable to you. (For beginners, I recommend thinking along the lines of funk or soul music beats, versus experimental free jazz. I'm just saying.)
  • Angle: There is more to thrusting than a straight forward motion! Try an upward tilt or downward angle (toward her belly or spine). You can even thrust to the left or right, though a simple circular motion is hard to beat, especially when done deep. A scooping motion as you thrust can feel great and stimulate a woman's g-spot.

Jack-hammering, by the way, can be big fun in small doses. When I say "mix it up" I don't mean continuously, every three seconds, like a crazed one-man-thrusting circus act. Just be careful not to zone out with a rote style or overly repetitive motions. (Side note: when approaching orgasm, steady & repetitive can be ideal—even necessary—whereas "mixing it up" risks sending all that built-up arousal right off the rails.)

Develop your own style, whatever feels good to you, whether jack-hammering, fancy circular stuff, or the wave-like thrusting of a swimming mermaid's midsection (think: breast stroke). Be creative, but above all, work on loosening your hips! (Trust me, it's the best thrusting advice you'll ever get.)

Individual preferences differ. Good sex requires communication (in and out of bed).

It doesn't hurt to ask "yes or no" questions ("Do you like this move? Do you like that speed?"), but you'll probably have more luck with an either/or format ("Do you prefer THIS move or THAT one?")


Some women love circles. Most like grinding. Combining these moves can feel incredible.

Ins and outs needn't be the same speed during a single thrust (push in hard & fast, pull out slow & deliberate, or vice versa ...again, experiment). 

Know which moves push you to the brink. Which make you come or enable you to hold off. Give yourself the power of choice, because the best thrusting moves are the ones that work for you as much as your partner.

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