Living an Orgasmic Life, by Xanet PailetActivities / Sep 12th 2018  at 09:16PM   /   0

The field of intimacy coaching (also sex, love, and relationship coaching) is expanding at a rapid rate, and yet the wide range of available modalities is off the average person’s radar. And why wouldn't it be? Until the need arises, why waste time Googling “painful sex,” “can’t orgasm,” or “Just what the hell is Tantric sex anyway?” 

Being in the business, I keep up on the latest techniques, as well as new and established practitioners, teachers, coaches, sexuality experts, and authors. Recently I came across Xanet Pailet, a California based sex and intimacy coach whose social media, podcasts, and interviews left quite an impression—that of a passionate, well-trained professional with expertise in women’s sexual issues. Her name went on my list of recommended coaches for women and couples—the types of clients I, myself, do not generally work with.

I work exclusively with men for the simple reason that I know my strengths and preferences, and therefore where my time and energy are best spent. I firmly believe that women deserve as experienced and passionate an advocate as I am for my male clients. To that point, I've always placed more faith in colleagues who’ve overcome the very issues their clients present with. Xanet Pailet fits that bill and it is but one of her many qualifications.

Full disclosure: I was asked to read her new book and post a blog about it. I was happy to do so. Right off the bat, Living an Orgasmic Life cemented Pailet’s credentials, from her extensive targeted training to her lived "trial-by-fire" experience. From wounded and blocked to multi-orgasmic—in every area of her life—the author's trajectory makes an impressive leap, one not far off my own life's. Her journey to empowerment was as fraught and convoluted as the path I trudged in my 30s, from emotionally isolated to capable of intimate connection. My takeaway from Pailet's book was that this woman has walked the walk. Living an Orgasmic Life is loaded with her firsthand knowledge and hard-won insights. 

At the ripe age of 50, the realization of just how cut off she'd been from her sexual self and capacity for pleasure finally hit her. Before then, Pailet was unable to access her softer “feminine” side, and had become completely disconnected from her (now ex) husband in a dysfunctional sexless marriage. Held back by shame, grief, lack of positive role models, and the childhood loss of her father, her entire sexual history was one of physical pain and emotional anguish. In life and in her book, Pailet confronts these pressing women's issues: societal sublimation, communication blocks, attachment disorders, low libido, arousal (un)awareness, desire discrepancy, negative body image, sexual shame, and the effects of trauma on the nervous system.

To say that she knows her stuff, would be an understatement. That said, my eagerness to dive into her book was tempered with the same hesitation I have about any book on sexual healing and empowerment for women. 

Is it too narrowly focused? Or will it speak to every side of this complex intimacy equation?

I needn’t have worried, Xanet Pailet delivers on all fronts. Living an Orgasmic Life is faithful to a woman’s distinct perspective, while simultaneously honoring the male position and equally important viewpoints. The book has something for everybody (even with its strong female focus), and I was heartened by her careful inclusion of men’s most pressing challenges—a mindset of constant competition, socialized aggression, unmet needs, unspoken wants, confusion, shame, stress, trauma, detachment and justifiable mistrust.

What I didn’t expect was such a tightly written, comprehensive representation of sex & intimacy coaching at its finest. I could go on, but the book is so well-written you should just head over to Amazon and buy it. 


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